Everything is wonderful now

Everything is wonderful now…

A long time ago in a far way land I was just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. I became a girl all alone until I found 6 people to take me.

 This is a THANK YOU for helping me survive because “everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days” For you I will always be grateful.

Whether I was stuck in an elevator crying my eyes out because Mr. Big ditched me on a Saturday night, or I couldn’t find my way to late night, you were the ones that got me back into the suites, you were always the one’s that brought me back to life. You were the ones who turned up the music and danced on a 4X4 table with me.  You turned it up loud, and you danced like no one was watching*

I knew forever that you would always be there, because that’s what sisters do.  Even though we all weren’t bound together by blood, I knew that from the moment I met you that we wouldn’t leave each other’s side. In a world where I was born with no sisters, for some reason I was lucky enough to inherit enough to make all day’s worth living for.

Thank you for making me laugh, for telling me “it’s beautiful out”, and most importantly for making me smile when real life got real.

 I love you.  

I think it’s insane that I was born with no sisters, but in 2004 I figured out why. Okay, it was more like 2005, when I actually could count you all on my hands. I sat on the quad with you, I learned about you, I met your families and they became my own, I had faith that you would be there for me and you turned around and gave me that faith two fold.

You became the family that I always wanted to have.

You go to college to learn, but you never really know what you’ll learn about. Sure you’ll change your major, you’ll interpret new things, you’ll learn about love and maybe loss, a major, a minor, but in the end when we toss our cap and wear our gown what we’ll remember is who we learned it all from. We’ll remember the days in the library laughing, the evenings in the cafeterias and the morning’s rushing to class while we stood at Dunkin’s. We won’t leave the campus with anything left than a magnificent memory of those who filled our hearts, and if we’re lucky those heart fillers are just bridesmaids waiting to try on a gown.

Thank you to the family I never knew I didn’t have, the bridesmaids who have had to listen to my “vocal” blogs for the past 11 years. You have been the definition of bridesmaid.

When I stood there in a bridal store today, watching all these bridesmaids try on gowns with their wedding party I did not become envious of them; in fact I was sorry for them that they were not lucky enough to have my crew. The crew that would do anything for love. Who at a moment notice who wear the scarlet letter, who, since I could breathe for the first, became part of my life, who never without out a doubt let me dance with somebody they didn’t think was good enough.

 

Letter from the Editor: I could never describe my love for the Riv crew.

 In one word you are everything I always needed us to be “FAMILY” and for that I will always be grateful.

"A bottle of red, a bottle of white" Billy Joel

“A bottle of red, a bottle of white
It all depends on your appetite
I'll meet you any time you want
In our Italian Restaurant.”- Billy Joel

And those lyrics from one of my favorite songs led me to this post...

It took a lot to get me here, to get me to a place where I could talk about the fact that my dad would not be at my wedding. In about six months I’ll be getting married and instead of walking down the aisle with my dad I’ll be walking down with one of my best friend’s instead.

In January of 2014, I became a 21 year old girl who lost her dad. I lost the lyrics to all our favorite songs, when I lost you.  Before being a stay at home dad became cool, I was the one with the stay at home dad. My dad stopped working, as a grocer nonetheless (just like my future husband) to stay at home with me, all so I wouldn’t have to go to day care. Sure my parents sacrificed a lot. I grew up without cable TV, without playing two sports at the same time, but more importantly I grew up with a dad. I grew up with someone who picked me up from school when I missed the bus, who let me give them facials on a random Tuesday, someone who watched “The Price is Right” with me every day, took me to Winchester playground and bought me Bubble Tape with my best friend and made me tuna fish sandwiches also known as the original “chipwiches” on Fridays

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about him 99.9% of the time. I mean I spent the majority of my life with him. We would go on these car trips as a family every year, spontaneously leaving at 5 a.m. to miss the traffic traveling to NY, Virginia or N.H.. I would sit in the front with him, mom and brother in the back and we would sing. We would sing every song on the Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole , Patsy Cline tape/cd.  We would yell out the words loudly while clapping our hands and we would have the best time. Much like the man I'm marrying these car rides were treasured adventures , and I was the infamous shotgun rider.  Sure we would fight when we weren’t in the car. We disagreed about a lot of things, and had our words, but mostly I think it was because we were almost exactly the same.  We had this LOVE for one another that I think only a daughter and father can have, something that is so unconditional, something that I hope my husband to be and  future children can be ever so fortunate to have. 

When my dad left, I said goodbye first. I knew there were a dozen other people in the room, but for me it felt like we were all alone in his car singing our songs. I said goodbye, kissed him on his forehead and I left. I walked out and shortly after my cousin followed and hugged and me. In that moment a lot went through my mind, but at the same time it was so little. I called two people and told them to tell everyone else, and they did. They took care of it all. They showed up the next day, lent me their Burberry bags for comfort, took me funeral dress shopping, drank countless amounts of red and white wine with me, danced with me, and most importantly sang with me.

Like any girl, I thought about my wedding day and how my dad would walk me down the aisle, and suddenly my dreams came to halt. The thought of dancing to “Unforgettable” suddenly became a thought that only appeared in my day dreams. In my dreams they came, and in them they remain.

Sometime after my dad left someone reminded me I would have to “walk down the aisle without my dad”, something I will never forget, though they may. The same two people I called the day I lost him, became the same two people I would “honor”  in the next step of my life. Through good and bad they have made all the difference, just by being my sounding board in what at the time was a quite car ride.

As the days draw near, I know there will be a piece of me that is missing.  Sometimes talking about it helps, and sometimes talking about it hurts. In  the end, I hope it helps me, and maybe someone somewhere it will helped to, because memories are a good thing, and at the end of the end of the day, sometimes it's all we have left to hold onto. On August 29th, I know that I won’t have “George Bank’s” to walk me down the aisle. Instead I will have the little boy in the back seat who sang along quietly, the most handsome little brother I could ask for, and someone who I know will make sure his dad will have an “Unforgettable” part in the day, because for me he has had an "Unforgettable" part in my life.

 

Letter from the Editor: 

To my little brother who sat in the back. Thank you for learning the word’s to all my favorite songs, for learning how to Irish Step Dance (even just a little) and for learning how to clap to the music. It has been difficult to know I would not have  dad and his “zipper” walking me down the aisle, but knowing that I have you has made me ever so grateful. Even if 22 years ago I didn’t know how grateful I could be.

XOXO B

 

No MS'n around

It's snowing today and with the anticipation of it being pretty crappy MGH decided to cancel my MRI and instead schedule it for tomorrow. Now instead of napping inside of an extremely loud machine that sounds like there is a CD that's skipping continuously for 2 hours I can take naps on my own couch in my "quiet" apartment because I have a snow day.


Back in August I got my first MRI, I didn't really think much about it because I wasn't prepared for it. If you have never had an MRI before let me lay it out for you.  You lay on this tiny table and go inside a machine. It sounds like there is excessive banging while you're in there. Something like a CD that skips mixed with a small child banging every pot and pan in their house. How do you manage to lay inside of a small machine for an excessive amount of time? Shut you eyes and pray. At least that's what I did.


 Back in the summer I went to meet our priest so he would marry us in the Catholic Church.  Ted told me I needed to be honest with him, so I told him how my dad had died, my mom had MS. He told me that I probably lost my faith and he was right, I did. Maybe you don't believe in god, I don't really care what you believe in. That doesn't matter. I still don't really know still my emotions but I believe there is a plan for everyone.


One of the first things that crossed my mind when I got diagnosed was HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?


Well, bad things happen to people all the time.  So here is my idea on how I got MS.


 *Disclaimer*
Call my crazy, call me whatever you want but this is my explanation. Also, it's good to know I have a sixth sense.


I had this dream after my dad died. It happened weeks later when I went back to school. My dad came to me in this dream and told me he was sorry it took so long to visit me. He said he had a lot of people to see. This was 7 years ago and I remember it because we all need something to hold on to, something to help us get through things.  After being diagnosed, I was convinced he had something to do with this. I believe that wherever he is, he was given a choice. He had to give someone something who can handle it, and give them something that will help other people as well.  I am convinced that he gave me this disease, but with good reason.


A few days before the MS diagnosis I began looking for a new job. After spending the majority of my adult life working retail, I was worn out. I really needed a change and needed to get out from a "toxic" environment. I wasn't happy where I was. I was watching my back all day, everyday.  So I applied for jobs. Five days later I lay in MGH and get a phone call asking me to come in for an interview. I'm sure my close friends and family thought I was nuts, planning my escape route from my job the same time as learning I had this diseases. But I needed I out.


I told anyone that would listen and understand that my dad was given a choice. He had to give me MS, but he would help me get out. There was no way he was going to give me this crappy disease and leave me in this exhausting job. Nearly three months later I got out. I got a new job, left quicker than I would have planned, but in the end I got the short end of the stick, so screw it.


For the most part I forget about that I have MS. When I cut gluten and sugars from my food I feel better. My hands become less painful and I don't see the flare ups as much as I usually do. A lot of people will tell you that changing what you eat, won't change things. But for me it did. I decided that I would do whatever it took to ward off symptoms. Back in October I was at my moms house and my little 8 year old friend asked me to skip with her, I tired, but I couldn't. Here I was a 28 year old who couldn't skip. Would I be able to Irish dance at my own wedding, who knew because back then I certainly couldn't do a jig.  I decided to practice because there was no way in hell that wasn't going to happen.  I would run because I could, I would dance because I didn't know how long I would be able to do, and I would skip with an 8 year old as long as she would ask me to. For me, much like my dad I was given a choice and I knew for me there would be no MS'n around.


Letter from the Editor:
I've heard from people I haven't in years. I've also heard from people that I didn't have strong  relationships with but who have had a relationship with MS. Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your story and your feelings. Thank you for reminding me why I need to keep at this blog. When you all read this you're escaping from your life, but when I write about it I am letting you into mine.


  Who else has MS: Jack Osbourne. He has a cool blog, so you could check that out http://www.youdontknowjackaboutms.com/. He also danced on Dancing with the Stars so that's pretty cool too.